Mental Health: Medication Story

Bubba wanted me to write a very detailed and extensive blog post on OUR BLOG about my journey with anxiety and so parts ONE and TWO can be found there. I’ve debated on copying + pasting them here as well but I’m not sure…

With that said I’m jumping a bit ahead to the medication part of my story.

When I were first diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Anxiety in 2005 I refused medication; I figured if my brain had the ability to rewire itself, it had the ability to rewire itself back. I never assumed it would be easy, especially considering how intense my anxiety and anxiety attacks were back then. I went to group therapy every week and I went to one on one therapy once or twice a month until 2010.

Here’s the thing about therapy. It won’t work if you’re not ready. And if you’re not ready, that is totally fine. There’s no reason to rush a process that you’re not ready to dive in to. Just because you doesn’t mean you’ll beat this any faster than you plan to.

Working around and through your anxiety is a journey only YOU can take. Only YOU know your limits. And you should NEVER let SOMEONE ELSE direct that journey FOR YOU. Never feel like you’re disappointing someone by not getting over this at the speed they want you to get over it. YOU are NOT the disappointment, THEY are for pushing you beyond your comfort level.

Just had to throw that out there.

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Mental Health: & Music

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When I wrote yesterday’s entry I wasn’t aware that it was Mental Health Awareness Week. I feel like MHAW/MHAM come and go so often that it’s hard to keep track of these things. Not to mention in my world, Mental Health Awareness is pretty much an every day thing.

I feel like my life has all kinds of divides and chapters when I look back on it; from the time I was 13 until my anxiety full force kicked in at 20 I struggled HEAVILY with depression and suicide. I was constantly listening to music. CONSTANTLY. There was rarely ever a time I wasn’t playing music. Everything from DDR songs to 80’s Light Rock to Hip Hop to R&B to Slow Jams to Techno to Alternative.

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Mental Health: & Gaming

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I’ve always been a bit of a loner and when I was younger this use to really really bother me; not feeling enough. Being that friend that just wasn’t enough: Not popular enough, not pretty enough, not interesting enough, not socialable enough… and often times my long time friends would ditch me and completely cold shoulder me once they jumped into a new group of better and cooler friends.

There are literally a handful of people who have stuck by me my whole life and who are still some of my most dearest friends today.

As I got older, I started to care less about fitting in and cared more about writing. About making time to play video games (I was really into the DDR scene in high school). About working to fund these DDR events. I cared more about being different, about standing out and I cared way less about what anyone thought about me.

I’ve always dealt with depression, at least since I was 13 and I had really bad anger issues at 16. The two mixed together always turned into an epic disaster.

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My Spring Hulu Queue

I have a slight thing against watching movies or really really long tv shows, I’m definitely not the type to binge watch anything unless it’s on a tablet next to my laptop or if I’m REALLY sick to the point where I literally CAN’T get up. I try to be better at watching things but it’s definitely hard for me to. I always feel like there’s something else, something more productive I could be doing. I have a hard time with giving myself downtime and just relaxing.

I recently browsed through Hulu and saw so many throwback and so many interesting things I’d like to give a go! I might end up breaking this up into different sections but for now here’s my general Spring Hulu Queue list!

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I spotted Sophie at Target last fall when I was pregnant and I remember wanting to get some of her stuff for A, my cat’s name is Sophie so I thought it would be a cute little thing. Even though we lost A, I still want to go back and pick up some Sophie stuff at some point for whenever I get pregnant again. It’s just one of those weird life things.

I saw she had a TV show, it only has one episode so far but I’m curious to see what it’s about!

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THIS. Was my CHILDHOOD!

I loved this show as a kid and I was so excited to see it up on Hulu! I’ve went back and watched old childhood favs before only to realize they weren’t as funny/what I remembered them to be but it’s still nice to be able to look back at what little Hazel thought was snarky or funny or entertaining!

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I use to collect these comics, like 2-3 years ago! I didn’t know what it was and I haven’t even read those yet but I’ve been seeing a bit of Over The Garden Wall stuff popping up at places like Hot Topic and now I see they have a show?! I’m super curious to see what this is about!

This Is Us
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I admit, I don’t really know exactly what this is about except it was filed under hopeless romantic. I’m hoping I don’t regret putting this on my queue! I’ve heard a few things about this awhile back, but I barely remember what anyone has said. Eep.

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Oh my early high school days!

This show (along with One Tree Hill) had inspired SO MANY emotional blog posts when I was in high school — back when I use to talk about my feelings on a pretty daily basis and when I use to reflect like I was a damn mirror.

I had an ex at the time who didn’t like the show and never wanted me to talk about it — he was convinced the show was influencing me to be mean to him and to break up with him. He was literally psycho. And looking back on it now, it’s crazy to think someone would actually THINK that.

I loved this show so much! I literally can’t wait to rewatch it all ♥.

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Awkward was my guilty pleasure show (along with Keeping Up With The Kardashians) during my separation/divorce. I don’t remember where I left off at… and I don’t remember WHY but I absolutely ADORED this show. Jenna’s BFF Tamara was my favorite character. Along with Jake. #TeamJake! Oh and #TeamCollin. #BEGONEMATTY.

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I know I said I’d get back into The Mortal Instruments series after I “took a break” 4 years ago because dammit Valentine and Sebastian were too intense for me. But I follow them on Twitter and seeing sneak peeks for upcoming episodes has me SUPER curious about where this show is going and what’s happening. I’m afraid of bookish spoilers but I’ll live lol!

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I was watching this for awhile, when it first aired. I don’t know why I stopped but I remember it was funny af. The little boy needs his ass whooped lmao! With talk of Crazy Rich Asians it brought my attention back to this and how I need to start catching up on my American Asian shows (we don’t have very many)!

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I don’t think I’ve heard ANYTHING about this one. But I mean that series photo and the fact it’s on FreeForm makes me think it’s some sort of young adult series that’s meant to be relatable. So, why not?

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I know, I know. This show has been around FOREVER.

BUT.

I’ve never seen not one episode. I’ve seen memes, but not any of the episodes. This also applies to How I Met Your Mother. I don’t know why! They just were shows I guess I wasn’t interested in back when they were “the thing” everyone was watching!

And now, years later, I’m curious to know what the hype about this one is!

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I’m a sucker for food shows.

And while this one isn’t something exciting like Iron Chef and not exactly a food documentary, it still sounds really interesting. As someone who was previously a culinary major and misses that life so so much, I’m super interested to see where this show goes!

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I’ve always been a sucker for The Food Network and Good Eats has always been one of my favorite shows ever since my family decided to get cable and bless me with The Food Network. The science behind food is always so interesting to me! So I totally sit there glued to the screen when it comes to this show just soaking up all that information!

Are there any shows you would like to suggest me to check out on Hulu this season?

May The 4th Be With You!

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I’ll admit, I wasn’t a big fan of Star Wars growing up.

I remember seeing Episode One in theaters back in the 90’s because my best friend at the time and her family were all nerds. I didn’t understand what was going on or who was who… I was only like 9 or something at the time. But I remember the pod races and that I really liked Jar Jar Binks.

When I started working at Disney in 2011 I had not seen a single Star Wars movie (I barely remembered Episode One at this point) so when the Star Wars Vinylmation collection came out I was a little confused as to why everyone was chasing after it (I worked at D-Street at the time which was the Vinylmation hub) and who the heck was Obi Wan and why was the chaser a ghost of him?!

I obviously knew the main gist of things like who Darth Vader was and who Yoda was and all of this but I didn’t know very much else.

A friend of mine ended up buying a case of the Vinylmations chasing after Ghost Obi and he was trading the rest so he gave me a Stormtrooper.

And that.

Began my obsession with Star Wars.

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On FFXIV and ‘friendships’

There were many other blog posts I had thought to write today. I recently watched The Greatest Showman and it inspired something in me that’s been missing for awhile.

But yesterday I got into a ‘FB war’ with a ‘friend’ over how he throws around the term mental illness to anyone who doesn’t agree with him or whom he doesn’t like.

I’ve seen him say this about multiple people within the almost 2 years I’ve known him. He claimed it about various people in our large FC he didn’t like or agree with. Various people on our server he didn’t like or agree with and he’s said it about people he’s heard of but never even met. He’s also quick to throw you the story about how his ex girlfriend (though he claimed she was his ex wife for a year) ‘ruined his life’ with her mental illness and he has absolutely nothing good to say about her and belittles her as much as he can. I’ve never met her but the way he describes her sounds like a one sided story.

This particular time they were discussing someone my boyfriend was in a FC with before I met him and I have played and conversed with this person and he’s on our current server which when we do run into him he’s always polite enough to say hello. I don’t know him on a personal level and I don’t care to. I think that’s part of the problem with people on this game, they expect to know who you are in real life as well and judge you accordingly. It’s a game. I don’t know where these people are from and I don’t really give a shit. I’m here to play a game. Not talk about real fuckin life. If I wanted to do that I’d call up a real life friend, you know?

So this ‘friend’ was once again implying that this guy had a mental illness based on what he’s heard about him from girls who got their ‘heart broken’ (that’s another thing about this game — some females are so quick to dick hop then cry about getting their hearts broken when dude’s make it clear they’re not looking for a relationship in the first place). So I asked this ‘friend’ which ‘mental illness’ does he think the guy identifies with. To which the ‘friend’ replied with he didn’t know but considering how he acts he must have one.

My stance on the whole thing was that it’s rude to imply someone has a mental illness if they haven’t said so. That it’s not funny or a game to say someone has something mentally wrong with them just because you don’t like them. And this ‘friend’ wasn’t getting the hint. He was still steady on implying his stance. Then he started being a jerk, which I’m fine with. Said friend is usually a jerk. He likes to ‘debate’ but when you don’t agree with him/fight him on a topic he gets defensive and starts to play victim.

Then Bubba steps in cause tbh Bubba never liked this ‘friend’ to begin with. And because no matter how big or small the situation Bubba will always defend me. And no, I didn’t ask him to. Nor did I expect him to either, I’m use to fighting my own battles. But Bubba stepped in and told this ‘friend’ about himself. Stuff that Bubba himself has seen, heard and observed without saying one word about it in the last 2 years as well. And despite Bubba going head to head with this ‘friend’, the ‘friend’ and one of his FC mates strictly just attacked me. This ‘friend’ for some odd reason worships Bubba almost for reasons I’ll never understand, saying I dragged him into the drama not knowing that Bubba himself throws himself into drama when he feels the need to.

So this ‘friend’ gets defensive saying we’re ‘personally attacking him’ when the subject at hand has stayed on this stance of mental illness. The ‘friend’s FC mate steps in and automatically starts throwing low blows AT ME though I’ve never met this person or heard of him.

He went as far as telling me I’m a waste of space.

And that he has heard ‘stories’ about me. Which I’m curious to know what stories since I lay my wholeeeeeeeeeee life online for anyone to read who’s interested. I talk about my struggles, my mental illness, my divorce, my abortion, my miscarriage…. like bruh, what do you got? Cause I promise you it’s not new news. All the while this ‘friend’ was telling a close friend of mine that his FC mate is trying to trigger me.

Hm, that kind of cancels out the ‘friends’ logic of “if people are an asshole they don’t get a pass but if they have a mental illness then it makes sense as to why they’re an asshole.” logic, doesn’t it? Considering his FC mate took the fact I have a mental illness and tried to use it to trigger me.

First off.

How dare you TRY to trigger someone you don’t even know. How dare you place that kind of shit on someone. How dare you be that cruel. And to that ‘friend’ how dare you stand there and watch and let it happen.

I’m so beyond disgusted with the way they both acted towards me and Bubba. I’m so beyond sickened that there are people who would even dare to attempt to trigger someone ON PURPOSE because they’re trying to “hit them back”.

You have to be some kind of extremely low person to even do that without any sort of remorse! Yet you all have the nerve to talk about how someone on a game hurt you? What makes you any better than him? Walking around hurting people you don’t know?

Just like someone else in the IG community said this morning — friendships on this game are paper thin.

This community is nothing like the one on FFXI. It’s sad how toxic the FFXIV community really is and it’s sad that they don’t even care.

Happy 33~!

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This photo pretty much sums me up nicely! But that Wizard of Oz calendar thing is definitely one of my favorite gifts from Bubba. Sometimes I forget to change it, but I think I’ll keep it on April 12th for awhile.

But thanks calendar thing, I did have a great and powerful day!

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My past birthdays… II

I somehow forgot to write this little section in the previous entry. I guess I thought the photo had copied to my desktop when it didn’t and I didn’t realize it until I went to bed last night that I didn’t talk about this!

This birthday was probably the most memorable, and definitely not in a good way.

My ex husband was pretty… selfish. Bubba had asked me months ago if he was ever controlling and in a sense I never thought of M as ‘controlling’, I guess because he never acted out, if you will. Like he never made public scenes or he never flat out showed your typical version of jealousy. But if I think about all the things he expected of me or all the things he pushed then in a really subtle yet un-subtle way he was controlling. He wouldn’t throw a fit or make a scene but he was a pro (A FUCKIN PRO I TELL YOU) at ignoring someone for as long as a week and a half. And I mean IGNORE, like not talking, not responding. But if we’re talking ignore then he went years doing that shit.

But he was selfish in a sense since I can’t really think of another word to call it — let’s put it this way — if he had friends (and 99% of his friends were girls which was fine cause 100% of my friends are usually guys though I DO NOT hug coworkers AT WORK. Hell I don’t hug them AT ALL unless I’m REALLY close to them and that takes a lot of time. I’m not a hugger if I don’t fuckin know you and I’m definitely NOT a hugger if I suspect you have a crush on me. In fact I’d be less than a friend if I suspected you had a crush on me and I definitely would not be hanging out with you, ever) which were mostly girls he would completely ignore me. If they asked him to hang out he would be prompt and he would stay out as late as 2am. He wouldn’t tell me WHERE he was going or WHO these girls were and he wouldn’t update me from time to time. If he went to hang out with friends or coworkers I wouldn’t get a single text or call the entire time he was out. If I texted asking him something while he was out he would get pissed and wouldn’t respond.

This particular year we had to take the same work bus to work (the E bus for those of you who do/did the DCP and worked on the Hollywood Studios route whoot whoot); we barely ever started work at the same time or ended at the same time to ever really have to be on the same bus. But the very few times we did he wouldn’t even acknowledge I was on the bus, especially if his coworkers were there.

Once we were standing at the bus stop, I had my headphones on cause we were waiting and he was standing next to me, a coworker comes and says hi. Looks at me then walks off. He turns to me mad saying, “why do you always have to repel my friends.” uh bitch what? I’m sitting here, listening to music, on my phone, minding my own business. Don’t no one care about you and your janky friends. She need to brush her hair.

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This was the birthday year I’m talking about.

The one I had mentioned where his friend’s birthday was the day before mine and they went to lunch and I was waiting for him at my spa appointment. His friend had asked about me and he didn’t like it. So he resolved to not have me meet anyone he worked with. So this year, though I saw some of his coworkers from time to time on the bus with him, I wasn’t allowed to meet them or say hi. So most of the time when I’d run into him say on the bus on the way home, I’d sit away from him and with my coworkers instead and ignore the fact he’s actually on the bus since he did such a great job of ignoring me even as I walked on.

Great marriage, right?

So he was never into social media, he always said it was “stupid” and “gay” but during my birthday week that year he got back on Instagram and Facebook, added all his chick friends and would frequently be in a group chat with them on Facebook or on Instagram and leaving each other comment threads. I noticed he got back on social media but he still hadn’t liked or commented on any of my posts anywhere. But I knew he was texting people on these apps.

He said he had gotten on for my birthday as if THAT was his bday gift to me. Just like how he frequently used, “I was nice to you all day.” as if it’s something that he should be praised for. It didn’t occur to me at the time that Chanel’s birthday was literally the day before mine and that he added all his coworkers and was constantly texting them. Yet he spun it around saying he got back on for me though he left no trace of any activity on any of my posts.

I do a lot of random things.

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At EPCOT you can color in a Perry or a Duffy at any of the countries. There’s a table for kids to color at and you take it to every station in every country and they stamp it for you.

I was pretty proud of this guy cause I thought the body color was pretty accurate and at the time I was kind of obsessed with Perry (not so much Secret Agent P) even though I didn’t watch the show. But I always thought it was funny how as Perry he’s kinda cross/bulge eyed but as Secret Agent P he looks all professional lol! And no, sadly you can’t meet Perry in the parks!

So I decided to color a Perry and take him around the world for my birthday. M colored some of him but I colored most of him and it was me who took him around and I’d chit chat with the people in the diff countries. The guy in France noticed I had a Vinylmation pin and we talked Vinylmations for awhile.

There was another photo of just Secret Agent P by himself without me in it and I noticed M had posted it on his Instagram with the caption, “I scraped those little whack ass kids.”

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I noticed that there was no mention of me or my birthday at all on that post. When his friends left comments he took ALL the credit and he made it sound as if he was so hardcore that he “scraped” some KIDS in coloring a fuckin character. It’s not a content or a game. It’s something fuckin fun for kids to do. If you need to boost yourself up by down talking KIDS who are on VACATION you’ve got some fuckin problems. Foreal.

I had brought it up as we were going to Magic Kingdom to watch Wishes and it started this big argument where the above was said. I don’t remember the entire fight. I do remember sobbing my fuckin heart out at the Magic Kingdom gates not even wanting to go see Wishes. Not even wanting to celebrate my birthday anymore.

I was just so sad and so hurt.

And I was so tired of being hidden. And sadly this was the start of the next 2 years of being hidden and BANNED from his work location. Oh yes, it got worse.

I was so tired of him saying anything having to do with marriage was gay. When that shit didn’t even make fuckin sense. He never told people he was married. They would have to figure it out themselves. If I did go visit him at work and someone asked who I was he’d say “oh that’s Hazel.” it got so bad that some of his coworkers speculated he wasn’t even married and was lying about it since no one EVER saw me. There was one coworker who he got into an altercation with at work who ran into us doing laundry once and was like “oh, you really are married I guess.” and he got pissed he said that. As if it wasn’t obviously his own fault. Or as if he was mad he was married in general.

As much as I loved that Perry in the end I ended up throwing him away. Every time I saw him I’d just get sad and remember that day.

At the end of the day M blamed everything on me and “acting crazy” so he deleted the photo off his Instagram and deleted the app off his phone along with the FB app. And in the end he ended up joining SnapChat with all of them and refused to add me to his friends list.

I try to cling on to the good memories of this birthday — my facial. Finally meeting Remy at Chefs de France and getting to eat in France. My day 2 outfit with the top hat. How good this outfit came out and how I didn’t feel insecure in it at all (it was the first time wearing a dress in forever). Getting to eat Ohana’s.

And I think that was it.

But this is definitely one birthday memory I wish I could erase.

On my past birthdays….

It’s my birthday week.

And though I’m not turning a significant age I thought I’d look back on all my past birthdays. As a reminder, if you will.

I’m a little sad I’m not going on vacation or doing anything epic this year for my birthday. I am going on foodie adventures through out the DFW area though which I am REALLY REALLY excited about especially since there’s a few places I’ve really wanted to try since I moved here!

But I was thinking the other day and this morning; I had mentioned to Bubba I never look forward to my birthday. Like ever. And though I’ve had traditions that I’ve held on pretty tightly to through out the years I wonder, really, how do I FEEL about my birthday?

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Sugarfina: Bunny Bark

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Earlier in March we took a trip to Dallas cause I wanted to check out the Easter collection at LUSH and we were planning on heading to the Dallas Farmers Market but ended up going to another mall instead. Whomp. Some day I’ll make it to that Farmers Market!

Tbh I wish I could spend more time in Dallas, there’s so much to see and do and discover there!

We did head to my favorite mall and I saw that Sugarfina had successfully finished moving into their bigger store. So I made a small haul purchase.

But we’re not here to talk about that, we’re here to talk about the Bunny Bark!

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